


after the embers fade

by RainbowBooze



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Character Study, F/F, Healing, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-18
Updated: 2018-04-20
Packaged: 2019-04-24 11:04:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14354151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RainbowBooze/pseuds/RainbowBooze
Summary: Azula is human.She is a horrible human, but nonetheless, she is human.In her perfection, she had flaws. At her best, she was her worst. When she had everything, she had nothing at all. She knew all of this, and it was too much for her to accept back then. Her perfect image wasn't and would never be perfect.When she fell to her brother, who was nowhere close to being as perfect at her, yet so whole-- when she fell to the water bender who had been nowhere near as physically strong as her, yet still so mentally strong, Azula understood. When the chains were ice cold around her wrists, she felt her fire fade and relented. When burning hot tears and flames left her, her body felt cold and she knew then and there: she was an imperfect human that committed atrocities.She lost everyone and everything, and all she wanted to do was heal.





	1. apology

**Author's Note:**

> this is the biggest excuse to give my favorite character the biggest redemption fic ever bc honestly she's absolutely HORRIBLE and my angsty ass is loving it-- enjoy :)

Azula is human.

She is a horrible human, but nonetheless, she is human.

In her perfection, she had flaws. At her best, she was her worst. When she had everything, she had nothing at all. She knew all of this, and it was too much for her to accept back then. Her perfect image wasn't and would never be perfect.

When she fell to her brother, who was nowhere close to being as perfect at her, yet so _whole_ \-- when she fell to the water bender who had been nowhere near as physically strong as her, yet still so mentally strong, Azula understood. When the chains were ice cold around her wrists, she felt her fire fade and relented. When burning hot tears and flames left her, her body felt cold and she knew then and there: she was an imperfect human that committed atrocities.

She lost everyone and everything, and all she wanted to do was heal.

Azula is broken.

* * *

She was insane. For a year in her life, she was split open. Her heart bled, her mind broke-- she was the definition of crazy. Snarling from inside her cell, she watched Zuko and Aang visit her to check on her health. She wanted to hate them, but there was no seething anger in her. She snarled because she didn't know how to show them how broken she was. She screamed and laughed maniacally because she needed them to fix her. 

It was only Zuko and Aang at first.

Then it was the water bender-- in her short lapses of lucidity, she could remember that her name was Katara. Strange, she thought to herself back then, how the girl who overpowered her back then looked so sorry for her. When she relapsed back into her insanity, she spat and laughed at the water bender's efforts to convey any apology and pity. 

They all still came to see her during that year.

Next was Mai. She came only twice that year. She had endured the abuse for too long to come more than twice. Near the end of the first year, Azula could understand her pain. She didn't question the deep anger laying in Mai's heart. She had no right to.

"I wish I could have enjoyed our friendship more than I had toyed with you," Azula murmured in her more common moments of sanity.

Mai looked away, but Azula could barely make out her "me too". 

She gained more visitors at the end of that year when she was stable enough to listen and apologize. A part of her hated the apologizing part, but when Iroh visited, he smiled at her and told her he was proud.

Azula had never heard those words before.

It was always something along the lines of "she performs well as expected" or "perfect as always".

She would tell her uncle to never speak about it again, but she cried and folded into her arms as a young girl should when she needed comfort. Of course, he had laughed softly and nodded.

Through that year, she had not once seen the one person she really wanted to apologize to.

* * *

 

Azula sat in her cell, legs crossed as she meditated. Iroh had told her that it was enlightening and although she had rolled her eyes at him, she soon caved in and tried it. 

Uncle Iroh had become one of her more frequent visitors. 

It made sense-- Zuko was far too busy as the fire lord, and Avatar Aang was busy making sure much of the destruction caused was being repaired. Katara was stuck by his side as a diplomat and Mai was by Zuko's side as support.

"Princess Azula," one of the guards called.

Azula scowled and looked up at him with narrowed eyes.

She has been attempting to redeem and fix herself, but she was not going to let anyone disrupt her time alone for no reason.

"What is it?" She demanded an answer, savoring the small flicker of fear in the guard's eyes. She was doing a great job at being a decent person, but she still enjoyed power. That was something she couldn't just let go of.

"You have a visitor," he replied shakily. 

Azula arched an eyebrow and counted the day in her head. It was only the middle of the week. She shouldn't be having any visitors... Unless she counted wrong.

"Who?" She asked and before the guard could reply, a petite body wearing pink and maroon peeked into the cell.

"I think that's good enough, thank you," the familiar feminine voice said before the guard left quickly.

Azula's jaw almost dropped, but she clenched it hard. After a year, the one person who she thought would have visited her the most finally appeared. In her bitterness, she glared at the girl. 

Ty Lee had betrayed her back then with Mai, and although Azula saw the betrayal from Mai coming, Ty Lee's caught her off guard. She turned her head away when she felt the flash of pain from the hits she received from Ty Lee. It wasn't actually there. She supposed that it was a mental trauma of some sort. 

"Hi Azula," Ty Lee greeted quietly, her voice still bright yet cautious of the recovering princess.

"Finally made your way back?" Azula sneered, but she winced, feeling the dullness and guilt of her words. "I'm sorry. That was uncalled for."

A moment of silence filled the cell, broken by quiet giggling. Azula snapped her head to Ty Lee, who was giggling as quietly as she could. Eyes narrowed, she watched her once best friend attempt to contain herself behind the bars of her cell.

"I'm sorry," Ty Lee said between giggles, "but it's funny. You're apologizing to me-- you've only really apologized to me once in our lives." Ty Lee said as she sobered up.

It was meant to be reassuring, but Azula merely winced again and ducked her head. It was a strange and unfamiliar action, but it became more common as more people visited her. As much as she savored the power she still had over people, she felt tremendous guilt and shame over some of it.

It was easy to pretend that she was fine when everyone believed she was perfect and okay. Back then it was easier to pretend she wasn't lonely and craving love when all she thought she needed was the acceptance of her father-- which she never even received.

"You still get lost in your thoughts," Ty Lee noted quietly.

Azula huffed and rolled her eyes, watching Ty Lee's smile grow just a tad. She hated to admit that Ty Lee was right. Even with her meticulous acting and planning, Ty Lee could always spot when the princess had zoned out. Ty Lee could always see through everything she did.

"You were always a bore," Azula replied, no edge to her tone. She didn't mean it. Perhaps at the beginning of their friendship she did, but she learned to be grateful for the girl's presence.

Somehow, Azula threw all of the good things about Ty Lee away when she locked her up in prison. Somehow, she managed without the rambling and constant giggling. Somehow she had kept her sanity.

"Yet you kept me around."

Of course, Azula kept her around. It was a tactical decision. Ty Lee could block one's chi at the push of her fist. She maneuvered better than Azula-- spirits, Azula learned acrobatics from Ty Lee. It was one of the best decisions-- tactical, Azula added. Tactical-- she had ever made, but in the end, she paid for it. She kept Ty Lee around because she made her job easier, not because Ty Lee made her job more bearable. 

 _I thought I would stop lying to myself,_ Azula thought.

"You look good, 'Zula," Ty Lee commented, her voice rich with compassion. She would be one of the few people who ever gave Azula compassion, yet she was stupid enough to reject it.

"For a patient in a mental institute, I suppose I am the most attractive-- even with this disgusting white outfit," Azula mused and Ty Lee rolled her eyes.

"No, silly. You look  _good._ You look well-- you look like you're content with yourself." 

Ty Lee was always smarter than she looked.

Azula stared into the large brown orbs observing her and relaxed. All the time keeping her guard up around everyone else had taken a toll on her. She at least owed it to Ty Lee to let the girl in.

"I am." Azula murmured, finally admitting to someone other than herself that she was improving-- that she was losing her manipulative streak.

Ty Lee beamed and opened the cell with the key, closing it behind her as she stepped in. Azula had only gained the privilege of being with someone so close recently, and it seemed Ty Lee was going to take full advantage of it. 

Ty Lee always took advantage of any moment where she could be close to Azula. It was something that Azula took for granted. The awkward hugs and hand holding was skimmed over back then, waved off as just another thing Ty Lee did. Really, it was Ty Lee trying to get into the cracks. It was Ty Lee trying to get Azula to smile and relax; to enjoy the time she had; to talk to someone because Ty Lee knew that Azula's downfall would be the wall she placed between herself and the world.

Azula watched as Ty Lee shuffled before sitting crisscrossed in front of her. 

At a closer distance, Azula could see the residue of white paint. Anger flared through her and she asked through gritted teeth. "So you decided to join the Kyoshi warriors?" 

Ty Lee's smile faltered, but she did her best to maintain the smile. She nodded and rocked on her folded legs, watching Azula's reaction carefully.

Under the smaller girl's scrutiny, Azula narrowed her eyes. She sat up straighter, flaunted off the power that she still had and watched as Ty Lee's confidence broke.

Unlike before, it merely built itself back up tenfold.

"I thought you were well enough to not see me as a pawn still, but I guess I was wrong," Ty Lee defiantly declared and Azula's eyes widened. 

That wasn't what she was trying to do. No, she just wanted to show Ty Lee that-- what was it that she wanted to show Ty Lee?

Ty Lee started to get up, and Azula panicked. She waited so long to properly apologize and now that Ty Lee was finally here, she couldn't get the words out. Instead, she was ruining what could be her only chance.

Azula's mouth opened before immediately she shut it again. How did she rehearse this again? She had acted it out perfectly, replaying the scene to herself in her mind, with all the right words to convey how she felt, but now that she had gotten the chance to show Ty Lee, she couldn't say anything right.

"W-wait, Ty Lee, no, that wasn't what I was trying to do," Azula started, giving herself a mental nod. "I just-- old habits die hard, but the meaning behind what I did-- I don't know how to explain it, but it wasn't to show that you were inferior."

Ty Lee paused and looked at Azula skeptically. Confusion and curiosity were swirling in her large brown eyes and Azula took this as a sign to continue. 

"I... I had this all planned out in my head." Her tongue flicked out to wet her lips. "I was going to apologize correctly and I was going to say all of these words, but it feels like Ember Island all over again and--"

At the mention of Ember Island, Ty Lee blushed and Azula could feel her own cheeks heating up, but nonetheless, she continued.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being the friend you were to me. I'm sorry for all the times I made you feel worthless when in fact, it was me who was worthless, it was me who was imperfect. It was always me who could never do anything right." Azula hurriedly finished.

She waited patiently for Ty Lee to reply. The anxiety that was so foreign to her would soon become her best friend as she sat there and tried her best to stop herself from twitching.

"Fix your apology," Ty Lee said. "Fix it, and maybe I'll give you a chance to gain my forgiveness."

Azula looked at her for a clearer direction.

It was so strange not being the one who gave the directions.

"You're not worthless, Azula. All those years of training yourself and being deceivingly flawless proved that. Your father trusted you with everything military related, you conquered Ba Sing Se at the age of 14-- Spirits, your fire is so potent and strong that it was hotter than normal and turned blue. You trained so hard to control your own emotions that  _your_ fire turned blue, not your father's. And don't even start with not being enough for Ozai, because to be honest, he was never a good father to either you or Zuko. Your self-worth should not be in the hands of a power-hungry and manipulative person like that," Ty Lee ended, eyes fiery from the lengthy declaration.

Ty Lee grabbed Azula's hands and held them tightly, forcing the broken princess to look at her. 

"You are more than what his image of you was. You are more than what anyone's image of you is. Yeah, you were cold and ruthless-- you were manipulative too, but how could you know what was right and wrong when the only person who was important enough for you to pay attention to always showed you the wrong ways? It's no excuse, but it's such a large factor and it's why I stayed for so long. I wanted to help you see the right from wrong and, well... It didn't work, but..." 

"It did work," Azula whispered. "Even though I never acted on it, I did see the wrong in my actions."

Ty Lee smiled and brought Azula in for a hug. 

"As much as I want to forgive you so easily, I can't. I know you're trying, but I still see the bad and selfish habits. I'm going to be here to help, and I hope you'll let me help you." 

"Thank you. As... Strange as it sounds, thank you. For being there for me for so long and just..." Azula trailed off awkwardly.

Azula's arms slowly and stiffly returned the hug, still tense from the lack of love she received in general, but willing to change.

"I want to get better and as off-putting as it is for me to say that, I want to get better because I want my life back. It's selfish, but it's not all bad, I suppose." Azula sighed and the two pulled away from the hug. "I want my friend back too."

Ty Lee's eyes welled up with tears and her smile grew. Azula awkwardly smiled back and felt as shy as she did the first time she genuinely confessed her jealousy to Ty Lee.

Taking the chance to joke, Azula wiped Ty Lee's tears away. "Only because you bring my ego up."

Ty Lee laughed and Azula felt that she was one step closer to recovery and growth.

Something she has and will always strive for. 

 

 


	2. heat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Sometimes when I feel really depressed,” Azula laughs at herself. “I think that I lost my firebending because I didn’t deserve it in the first place. Why would a monster get power like that? Why would someone who seemed to always be perfect, yet always be second best deserve to wield power like that?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for the luvvvvv, this is again, more azula indulgence and character studying

She was so cold.

It had been so long since she had been able to bend fire— so long since she felt the rush of heat coursing through her limbs.

Azula had lost her ability to firebend when she lost her mind. She couldn’t control her emotions, so how could she possibly control her inner fire? As the year passed, she found the fog in her mind clearing out, but not once did she feel the familiar warmth return to her.

Was this some kind of karmic retribution? Were the spirits punishing her?

She had asked the Avatar about it, but he merely shook his head solemnly and told her that this was a mental barrier that she needed to overcome. He could not simply return her bending because he had not taken it in the first place.

Laying on the hard bed, Azula breathed out heavily, attempting to conjure any kind of heat. She lifted her hand and inspected it. Closing her eyes and breathing in deeply, she tried to remember how fire felt.

Was it harsh? Was it a heat that was slow to engulf? Was it a searing pain or was it a throbbing power, aching to be released?

Clenching her fist, she scowled and sat up.

Azula the prodigy, master of fire so cold it was a stark and dangerous cobalt blue, couldn’t even remember how firebending felt like.

It used to come to her so naturally— so naturally that she bested her older brother. It wasn’t just a part of her, it made her. It gave her power, it gave her achievements. Now, all she got from it was the painful reminder that she was not as strong as she used to be. That her decisions led to the withdrawal of something so natural to her.

“Azula,” a deep voice called out.

Azula lifted her head and met eyes with eyes that were identical to hers.

The differences between Zuko and Azula stopped at his scar and, well… His masculine features. Their eyes were the exact same, their body built as similar to a male body and female body could be built. He stood just a tad taller than her, both of them peaking at impressive heights. When they were younger, Azula would complain about his height, but her own has followed his throughout the years, and she no longer worries about being short.

Besides, Ty Lee was shorter than her.

Azula arched a perfect eyebrow and Zuko sat in front of the cell bars.

“How are you?” He asked, and although he still guards himself from her— Azula mentally laughs because of course he does. Who wouldn’t?— he cares and Azula can at least appreciate him for checking up on her.

“I’m… Fine. Conflicted, but fine,” she responded whimsically.

“..Explain?”

“Why can’t I firebend anymore?” The question slipped out before she could stop herself.

Zuko remained silent and watched his younger sister mull over the question.

“Sometimes when I feel really depressed,” Azula laughed at herself. “I think that I lost my firebending because I didn’t deserve it in the first place. Why would a monster get power like that? Why would someone who seemed to always be perfect, yet always be second best deserve to wield power like that?” 

Azula's bittersweet smile crumbled, and her face contorts into a painful expression. She stared at Zuko and sees him tense up.

She used to relish this type of power. She would have relished this situation back then-- how Zuko still was so cautious around her even without her firebending, how he knew she was still a threat.

But now, it's a reminder of the horrors she had gone through and the horrible things she did to others, especially ones that cared for her.

"I think you need to really think on Aang's words," Zuko said, standing up slowly. "I think you need to reevaluate yourself. Aang said this was a mental barrier, so think. What are you telling yourself-- what are you doing to yourself? What is it that is keeping you from recovering?"

Azula's gaze fell as Zuko left, barely hearing his whispered "rest well". 

"What is keeping me from recovering?" Azula asked herself. She felt laughter bubble up from within and soon she couldn't help herself.

Spirits, no. Please don't let me relapse, she thought desperately.

All she could do was laugh at herself, the hysterical and terrifying sound filling up the cell and hall. 

"I'm Princess Azula! I'm a prodigal firebender and this is what I've become!" A bout of laughter. "I can't even firebend!"

And she lost herself that night. Just for that night, she lets herself wallow in her self-hatred.

* * *

 

"'Zula?" Ty Lee cautiously attempted to bring Azula's attention to her.

Azula watched the smaller girl with wild eyes, quiet, but still gone. Ty Lee didn't know if she could even understand what she was about to say.

"Hey, can I come in?" Ty Lee catches the guard's astounded expression and looks at him firmly. She wasn't going to back down-- not when Azula needed help.

Azula's eyes flicker from her to the guard and she curls up, her arm reaching out towards Ty Lee, clenching and unclenching as if she was grasping for the girl.

"We are not to let--" 

"You won't have a job by the end of the day if you attempt to stop me from helping the  _princess_ of the Fire Nation." Ty Lee might have been a softie, but she learned from Azula.

It wasn't hard to learn how to manipulate and intimidate when she was the one on the receiving end for so many years of her life. It was funny-- here she was using those same skills to help the person who dished it out.

The guard stepped aside and gave them privacy, not willing to take any chances against a well known Kyoshi warrior.

Ty Lee turned back to Azula and moved slowly towards Azula, making sure to not startle her. She wanted to have Azula in her arms as soon as possible, but she forced herself to slow down because what use would she be if she scared Azula deeper into whatever hole she was in.

Watching the once proud and powerful princess of the Fire Nation cower in the corner made her heart clench in pain. If there was anything that had pushed her to stay back then, it was the pride that Azula had in herself and her friends when they completed a mission. It was so easy to get lost in the fiery and passionate amber eyes of her best friend back then-- Ty Lee supposed that it still was, except all she saw were hollow eyes that led deeper and deeper into the abyss of self-doubt. 

"Azula, can I touch you?" Ty Lee asked quietly, watching the princess glance at her frantically. Ty Lee reached out slowly, ready to retract her hand at any notice. 

Azula's hand reached out to Ty Lee's and slowly held onto it, shaking and weak. Ty Lee scooted closer and smiled warmly at the girl she used to call her best friend. 

"It's okay, take your time," Ty Lee cooed and Azula bit her lip, staring at the girl who was offering her a source of heat and kindness.

"Warm. Like fire," Azula murmured and Ty Lee's head tilted in curiosity. She carefully urged the girl to keep going, tugging gently on her hands. "Fire. Can't firebend anymore."

Ty Lee frowned but was knocked out of it when Azula moved to crawl into her embrace. Ty Lee's arms automatically went around the taller but thinner girl, rubbing her back as she buried her face into the crook of Ty Lee's neck. 

"That's okay," Ty Lee whispered, but Azula grunted, shaking her head.

"Not okay."

Ty Lee hummed and they sat there silently, neither of them knowing what to say or how to say it.

Ty Lee's thoughts trailed off to their past together.

The first time Azula bent her iconic blue fire, she had accidentally burned Ty Lee. Being the kids they were back then, Ty Lee cried and Azula tried to stop the sobs, even though she was excited to learn about this new form of firebending. Ty Lee could remember how gently Azula's hands had felt around hers when she held them in cold water to ease the pain.

Blushing, she returned to the broken girl in front of her. Firebending was everything to Azula. She watched her practice day and night to perfect her techniques and form. Looking back on it, there really was nothing that was as important as firebending to her. Perhaps Ozai's acceptance, but even that meant nothing towards the end of their friendship.

"Firebending really means the world to you, huh," Ty Lee commented and Azula nodded. "Nothing is ever going to be more important." Ty Lee giggled, but Azula grunts in disagreement.

"You."

Ty Lee's giggling cut off and she looked down at the frail girl in her arms.

Smiling, she brought Azula's face closer to hers, until they were barely touching noses.

"You're important to me too. We're going to get you your firebending back, yeah? And then you have to show me some new techniques and forms you made," Ty Lee said and Azula nodded, the glimpse of a smile barely making its appearance.

Yeah, Ty Le thought. We're going to get you your firebending back.

And hopefully, Azula doesn't forget about her in the midst of it.


End file.
